Do I help my husband or do I help myself?

My husband is suffering from some type of mental disorder, I think it's bipolar, but I am not a Doctor. I can't get my husband to admitt to a problem, he thinks the whole world is against him, and especially me, he blames me for his drinking, his violent destructive behavior, In his eyes I am the devil. We have three children 13,7,and 2. I am now starting to fear him, and I am starting to give up. We have been married 9 years, and I don't want him to suffer anymore, but he refuses that there is a problem. How can there not be a problem, when he is starting to threaten my life? I am scared to leave, because he has taken all my resourses away, but I am scared to stay, cause now I feel that I am in danger, please help me.. I love him and want him to be healthy, not for myself or children, simply for himself. Nothing I can say or do, will make him change his mindabout getting help or talking to someone, he says that mental illness is a conspiracy the government made up to control peop

Answers:
It's not about him vs you. It's about you protecting your children. Get them out now! Sounds like if he's drinking alot he's an alcoholic. It'll really mess with a person's moods & personality.

Call a women's shelter. They have counselors who can guide you. Also talk to a AA counslor. Consider going to a AA meeting for friends/family of alcoholics.

Start a "rainy day" fund he doesn't need to know about. Put cash somewhere and add to it each week.

Fact is he will NOT change until he's ready to. He may stay in denial for years. Protect your kids (and yourself). and don't feel bad for leaving.

You need to find help for yourself and your children. Obviously he is not willing to help himself.
If you fear him, get to a safe place. Don't come back until he has gotten help.
take the kids and leave.
Well, maybe by you leaving will open up his eyes and make him realize that there is some sort of problem he needs to get under control. You know.the whole "you don't know what you had until it's gone" theory. If he's threatening your life, then you need to find a way to go. Easier said than done, huh? You've tried and tried to help him fix his problem, it's not working so now it's time to fix your problem. Your kids don't need to see or hear this either. Before you know it, your husband will be sitting in the basement with aluminum foil over his head so "they" can't read his mind...lol sorry, just trying to make light of the subject. You know what you need to do sister..it's hard cuz you love him, but the children need a stable father, and they're not going to have one til he realizes he needs help.
There is a mental inquest warrant you can take out on him. They will pick him up evaluate him and treat him or take the necessary steps to helping him. If in fact there is a problem, he will thank you. If you fear for your life, leave! DO NOT STAY! You can not fix him and he is capable of hurting you! You can love him from afar until such time he seeks help. There is no reason for you or the children to live in fear! There are hundreds of programs and shelters that can and will help you. God Bless you!
He is suffering from severe mental illness, whether or not it is called bipolar or schizophrenia is irrelevent to the issue.

You should distance yourself and your children, physically, mentally and emotionally. Call the nearest women's shelter and arrange for a swift exit, when he is not there. At that point you have some bargaining power to force him into treatment if he desires having you to control again. Personally, I know you will be better off without that toxic person in your life, most importantly for the sake of your children and their continued emotionally and physically safe childhood years.

You will be financially strapped for some time, but it will be very worth it in the long run.

Love will turn to hate when he harms one of the children, don't let it get to that point. When you have been out a while you will realize what you feel is not nurturing, altruistic love.you want to save him and you can't.
There is one way to have an adult committed against their will and that is if they are going to hurt you, themselves or someone else. If he threatens you, you can force him to be committed and get help. It sounds to me like he has a schizophrenia where you believe the world is against you and you have illusions of grandeur.
What a sad situation. It is obvious from your question that you are in a n intolerable situation. I'm not a doctor myself, but my advice for you would be:

you have children and yourself to think about. Get out, and get help for your husband AFTER you are in a safe position. At the moment it seems you are at risk. Don't give up.

If you don't move out (temporarily, I am not suggesting you leave your husband) the situation will only get worse. Stay with your folks.

Your husband, drinking? violent destructive behaviour.
YOU need help and fast.

Look after ourself first. There is no point trying to help someone who will not admit there is a problem. If you are a devil in his eyes, well. look after yourself. There are the children to think about.

You are not without resources. He made you think that. Believe me, there are people out there who would be delighted to help you and your family.

It is not you against him. It is you against the illness.

Good luck, I wish you the best.
i agree with all the above answers. right now it is an issue of your safety and the safety and well-being of your children.

it does not sound like bipolar disorder (there isn't really enough information here for anyone to say whether he has it or not). it sounds more like serious raging alchoholism. he definately needs help but if he cannot admit that he has a problem it will never happen.

get yourself out of this relationship. for your sake and the children's sake.

god bless you honey. i hope it works out for you.
He's having delusions, threatening your life, this is very serious. If he can't or won't admit there's a problem then that's sad, but it is a problem for you and you have to do something about it. If you really think he might hurt himself or someone else you can go to a doctor and ask about having him hospitalized, but more importantly you need to do whatever you need to do to feel that you and your children are safe, if that means leaving right now maybe you should. Consider the possibility that he may never confront the problem and you may have to leave him forever. Easy sure doesn't enter into grown-up life. good luck.
It sounds much like schizophrenia. Paranoid behavior, destrucive behavor, and violent behavior are all symptoms.

The problem is, you cannot help someone if they don't want or recognize that they need help. It is sad, but true. If he cannot accept that he needs help, then there is no helping him.

I know he's the father of your children and you love him very much, but think about what your childrens' lives would be like without you. They need their mother just as much, if not more, than their father right now. If he is threatening your life, you should leave.

There are women's shelters out there for women just like you. They take in women and children with no questions asked. Just look around on the net, but don't tell anyone where you are going. Just go.

Sometimes, major changes in the environment around them will cause people to rethink their behavior. Maybe if you leave, your husband will realize that he needs help. You don't have to leave forever, but you can't sit back and do nothing.

Be careful and good luck.
If you feel you are in danger, then you need to leave, end of story. It's admirable that you want your husband to get better, of course you do, you've been together for nine years and have three children together.but don't feel guilty about wanting safety for you and your children. Go,take the kids, and go now. Go to a friend's, your mother's. If he's given you reason to fear him, to fear for your well-being and/or that of your children, then despite loving him, you have to take care of yourself and those kids first. It's quite literally better to be safe than sorry. Don't give yourself a reason to wish you hadn't hesitated. Go to the police, i know that your guilt and your love for him might make you want to instantly throw that option out the window, but they might be able to help get him evaluated, and it sounds as if he might need a bit of psychiatric help.

Go, get someplace safe, call the police, get him seen, and don't feel guilty. This is the best thing for everyone involved. Be strong.

Best of luck.
yOU CANT HELP HIM,WITH OUT HELPING YOURSELF FIRST, YOU KNOW DEEP IN YOUR HEART ,WHAT U NEED TO DO, nOW MAKE YOUR SELF STRONG AND GET HIM HELP!! IF U NRRD TO TAKE OUT A MENTAL WARRET ON HIM FOR A 72 HOUR HOLD IN A HOSIPTAL( DONT TELL HIM JUST DO IT) U DONT WANT ANY THING TO HAPPEN TO U!! PLUS ONE DAY YOUR KIDS MAY ASK WHY DID U TRY TO HELP HIM OR GET OUT.THIS IS GOING TO BE THE HARDEST THING TO DO,BUT U ARE WORTH IT AND YOUR KIDDS DONT NEED TO SEEE THIS, BY GET HIM HELP YOU WILL BE HELPING YOUR SELF TO COME STRONGER, DONT WORRY WHAT HIS FAMILY MAY SAY OR DO ,
Think of it this way, if you don't help yourself, you surely CAN NOT help him.

As a mother, your responsibility is to your children. As a wife, your responsibility is to the safety of your (his and your) children.

Of course he won't understand you leaving him now. Once he is better, he will realize you did exactly what you had to do. BELIEVE ME..personal exp, there is nothing you can say to him that will make him think." oh my, I need help!"
Go to your MD and tell him these.he can give you resources to go for help. Maybe a social worker that can help you out. You are in a high risk situation if he's starting to threaten your life. You need to get out of there and there are so many shelters that can help u get back on your feet. If u are working they can arrange day care services for u.or if u are not working they will assist u to go back to the workforce.
NEITHER. You help your children stay safe, lead healthy, normal lives by getting them the heck up out of there. You said it yourself, nothing you say is going to change his mind. So how is staying going to help him? If you leave and file for a divorce, he may be forced to get the help he needs anyway.
If he wants to see the children an attorney can argue that he is not mentally stable and is dangerous to have around the kids and can force a mental evaluation before contact is allowed between him and the children. If the mental evaluation shows he has a disorder that left untreated can cuase him to harm the kids, he will basically be told to get medicated or give up visitation and/or custody rights.
Sure it sounds extreme and harsh, and i am certainly not suggesting you use your children as pawns, i am simply urging you to do what you need to do to keep them out of harms way. If you love him as you say you do, what is more important, you being with him and him staying unstable or you not being able to be with him but him receiving the help he needs?
You need to help yourself and your children..it sounds as though you wont get through to him. A friend of mine went through the same thing recently and she is bi-polar herself but she has her meds so shes all good., well...the father of her 2 kids that she resides in show obvious signs of having the same if not worse mental problem and she spent 5 years trying to deal with it and get him to admit that he has to get help..the problems just kept getting worse the more she tried to help him..he started becoming extremely abusive to the oldest child verbally, then started hittin the oldest child, the last straw was whenn she woke up in the morning not even 5 mins b4 the kids normally woke up and found him with an eclectrical cord wrapped around his neck and blue lips.. she had to cut the cord call 911 and get the kids out b4 they saw their daddy almost dead with piss in his pants on the livingroom floor. I suggest if you want your children to have to go through things like that then by all means stay and try to help your husband. But if you put your CHILDREN'S NEEDS ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE iin that house, you get out what ever way you can. I dont know where you live or what resources are available where you live, but look in the phone book, go to social services, explain your situation and they will help get you out of there saftly

Good Luck to you and your children
Help your self because he could hurt you more.Think of your children especially the 2 year old.If something happens to you do you think that with his mental self will take good care of your children?Think of your children's future.If he don't want to get better then leave with your children and spend about 1 week or something by a relatives house or something,you need to get out of that environment a little, if he loves you and your children he will miss you and might want to change.Now listen you don't want to get a mental illness like him THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN.I could see that you are a devoted wife and care about him very much.A wife like you might do what it takes to make your family's life better but think about your self.You can pray.God bless you and Good luck! '_'
You cannot help someone who does not feel that they do not have a problem. It is a tough situation, especially when you love someone who has a severe mental illness. It is in the best interest of you and your children to leave. It is not only for your safety but for you children's safety. You can contact the domestic violence hot line at (800) 799-SAFE. Good luck and please don't wait too long.
I think your husband is MY husband! LOL! I am going through the EXACT same thing right now. My husband is swinging from intense highs to raving lunatic in the blink of an eye. He has been accusing me of having online affairs which is simply absurd, as well as several other false accusations. He gets down right mean with our children and has even spanked our 2 yr old so hard that it left her bottom red through her diaper! (I dont care there is no excuse for that!) and when I took her and tried to protect her he went of on even more of a rage and started threatening to leave and all kinds of off the wall stuff. Sometimes his good moods will last minutes, hours, days even a few months at a time and the same with his rages. I have never felt like he would physically harm me but I have feared for our children on numerous occasions and find I spend 99% of my time hovering over them like a hawk to keep them "out of trouble" with him which alot of times just leads to getting ME in trouble with him for some reason or another. to top it all of he is a serious alcoholic in which he knows and takes pride in for some sick reason. He refuses to get help for his drinking let alone even slow down on his drinking and I know if I were to even MENTION that I think there is something going on mentally with him such as bipolar or even some kind of personality disorder it would just set him off on another rage and make things worse and in some way or another it would end up being made into being MY fault that he is acting like this. (His thing is anytime something is bad or goes wrong its MY fault, weither it is or not.) I am at the point of wanting to pack myself and the kids up and leave but I do love him and thats not what I really want. I just want the man I married back. not this raving lunatic he has become. Just know you are not alone I know just how you feel. Please if you need someone to talk to or relate to or anything feel free to contact me.
It sounds like you are severly co-dependant. You have taken on the caretaker role, at the expense of yourself and your children.

You cannot change him, fix him, or help him. You cannot be his savior. The only thing you can do is to get out of his way, and quit enabling him to continue using you as a target. As long as you are there, he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. You accept that for him.

Apparently he has manipulated the situation to his advantage. He has "taken away your resources". Hopefully he hasn't treid to, (or you haven't allowed him to) isolate you from any type of friends and family support network. If he has, there are organizations and shelters for the many others that are in this situation.

What you need to do is to decide to put yourself and your children first. You will not be "giving up" on him or anything, but rather deciding NOT to give up on yourself and your children.

This is the worst thing you can do to your kids, showing them that this is how adults behave. Have you considered that? You are their model, their example of adult behavior. You seem to have forgotten that. Shame on you.

Look at it this way: If your house were on fire, what would you do? Your family is on fire. You have to do something. You need to get yourself and your kids out, and get some help. What kind of sense would it make, if you sat there watching it burn, waiting for your husband to decide whether or not to get up and get out?

You need to quit making excuses for your husband. Something tells me that he did not get this way overnight. You are in a bad situation, and you have to take some responsibility for allowing yourself to be there. I do not feel a bit sorry for you. I do feel bad for you, because you have allowed things to get this far. You also need to quit making excuses for not doing something about it.

What would things be like if you changed every "I CAN"T" to "I AM NOT WILLING TO"? Because that's really how it is...

I am sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but that is how it is. I am sorry that it sounds harsh but that's how it is. You already know that, and that is why you are reaching out to others for support. That is a good sign. You are close to taking the first step: Deciding that you need help. Theee are people who can show you how to go about doing something about it. There are those who will show you what to do and how to do it. You just have to accpet their assistance.

I know you "love" your husband and you want things to be the way they were at one point. But at present, the alcohol has altered his personality to the point to where you are not dealing with him anymore, but rather the drug itself. It has no emotion, no empathy..like a sociopath. It may have consumed him completely...

You may have to accept that he may not want to get out of the burning house, and decide to save yourself and your kids. You may not get any closure. I want to win a million dollars, but I have to accept that I may not win the lottery, no matter how hard I wish for it. You have to commit to taking care of yourself and your kids first, because he may never help himself and come around.

Good luck and take care.
I'm not a doctor either, but I have a cousin who went through this. It turns out he had Schizophrenia. He thought everyone was against him and was just in a total different reality. It can be controlled with medication, but the hard part is getting to that point. Maybe you could get him involuntarily committed for up to 72 hours..they can assess him and his/your safety. I would contact your local law enforcement and department of health and human services. OR contact a local mental health professional. The time to act is now.
Thats a very sad situation. And I know that you love him dearly. But you have to protect your children. Even if he is not physically abusive towards them, it has to be hard for them to watch their father go through this and it can't be good for them to be in that situation. You should definetly get your kids and get out. I know its hard, but the best way to help him at this point may be to help him from afar. I really hope you are able to find the answers you are looking for here.
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