What is it I'm feeling?

I was sexually abused by my cousin, and only recovered the memories a year ago, and since then I've been feeling really awful alot of the time, but whenever something awful happens in the present tense, ie. now, I just feel blank, like I don't care at all.
I can't shake the feeling that maybe my feeling bad has nothing to do with the abuse at all, but then I think maybe I'm just trying to hide all my feelings away again.

I don't feel angry towards my cousin, just . well, scared I guess. In my bad periods I just feel scared all the time, and of everyone. I feel that if anyone found out.
But then, in my good periods, I just don't care, it's like "so what? it's in the past", and I promise myself that if I start feeling bad again I should just tell someone, but I never do.

ps, I'm 16 in September

Answers:
priest rabbi iman vicar. samaritans, email jo@samaritans.org 1st. get it off your chest before you get professional or clergical advice first.

tell your parents and the police, you need to
You are probably suffering from some situational depression/anxiety. You could also be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. You should tell your parents immediately. you could prevent this happening to other children. Then you need to get counceling to help you deal with these memories.
I think that you should see a counselor. The short answer is that you are feeling many different things at the same time, probably a little bit of confusion, maybe some depression, and probably some anger even if it is not on the surface right now. A counselor will help you work through your thoughts and feelings so that you can deal with them, and not feel overwhelmed.
You need therapy. No one can recover from sexual abuse without help. It will continue to bother you and could get worse if you don't see a specialist.
Has your cousin been reported? That's part of your therapy. He has to be punished.
you may be sufering from post dermatic stress disorder
Sometimes it's good just to blank things out - it's your brain's way of protecting you from stress and trauma. So just allow the blank moments to occur (even if it's to do with other things) and when you feel like talking things through let the thoughts flow free.
You'll be surprised how well your mind can deal with all sorts of very unpleasant things - and help you from going off the rails!
Everything needs to get out in the open, meaning everyone involved needs to deal with the reality. Then, find a creative way to turn all of these confusing feelings into your source of power. You sound like your head is on straight, don't let this screw up the rest of your life. Find a way to learn from it. You DO DESERVE to find happiness, so beat the odds and JUST DO IT. Good luck.
You may have some PTSD as the other answerer said. This may sound wacky, but I think PTSD can cause/be the result of a blood sugar imbalance.

Check out the symptoms link at www.hufa.org, and see how many you may have. If it clicks, you may want to modify your diet by eliminating sugars of all types (naturally high sugar foods too). The library link at that site gives the names of some books that have low/no sugar diets in them.

If it helps, will you let me know?
You need to share this bad experience with somebody so you won't face him or other family alone. You're too young to allow this huge thing to ruin something that you're supposed to enjoy when it's time and when it's YOUR CHOICE> Ask some professional help that will help you to regain your self esteem and your trust: it won't go away just because is in the past, it'll be back every time you like a guy or you get close to him> You could be my daughter so don't deal with that alone, you deserve a happy life without nightmares
i went through the same thing you did, if you ever need someone to talk too, just e-mail me at venivendetta@yahoo.com
I know it's hard to report such an event to the police, but for your sake and that of all those victims of abusers you must find the courage to do it. I wish you a good and happy life, you deserve it.
I'm sorry to hear that.you didn't deserve that. You are probably feeling depression and post traumatic reaction(PTSD) to your situation. Often, adolescents who are sexual abused shut down to feelings and emotions out of self preservations and survival instinct. Depression with such a situation and a constant fear of people can also be constured as paranoia.

I work with kids who have had similar events in ym job and I think the best thing you can do is seek help. It doesn't matter if you see a counselor, shrink, minister. The important thing is to work through the issues and confront the issue so that you can move past it and re-stablish a normalcy of life. I am not saying you ar in anyway in need of a psychologist and that you need to be medicated. Theses are normal feelings and emotions of a sexual abuse victim. There are tons of sexual abuse support groups and organizations that respect your privacy. Contacting your local social services department can help you get in touch with accredited and respectable groups that can truely help. Just remember this.you are the victim here and this is not your fault.. Please try to find someone or one of these groups. I know they work because I have seen the results.

I'm a cop and I strongly urge you to report it.. I know that sounds difficult but 99.9% of sexual offenders will get worse.If you can muster the courge to do that you may save someone else from a similar fate.

Good luck and take care
It sounds to me like you have got used to blocking bad things out and that is why you feel so blank now. You sound way older than your years which is sad as you were robbed of your childhood. You do need to talk this through with a counciller so you can enjoy a stable adult life.this will help with future relationships when you are older. You seem to have accepted what happened and that is good. Please go see your GP and get some help. You will feel so much better afterwards. You take care xx
My heart bleeds for you sweetie ,been there done that. I can't make you seek counseling no one can. It will help tho. Please don't wait too long. The other readers are correct, your mind is using its own defense mechanism to enable you to deal with this. Its not your fault. I don't blame you for feeling afraid all the time I did too.You've been violated both physically and mentally. I pray that you can find the strength to speak to someone about this and that he can be reported and stopped before he does this to someone else. Take care sweetie I wish you much happiness in the future. Peace2U.
This sounds like Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with depressive features as well. Telling your parents would likely be a good place to start, and also seeing a psychologist. A psychiatrist may also be consulted to prescribe medications in consultation with your psychologist. This, unfortunately, is a common condition and is very treatable. Good luck, and stay strong!
I think you need to talk to someone, If you are in the Uk you can call Childline FREE on 0800 1111, it is not just for children but teenagers too. Please please talk to someone about this, you need care and support.

http://www.childline.org.uk/
you need to tell your parent(s), police and see if ur mom or dad can get you some professional help. you can't go through this alone this is alot to handle. i hope u get the help u need.
You must tell someone! You really must!!
Telling someone else you can trust and feel able to talk to halves the burden you are currently carrying.
You will probably have a lot of emotions to work through, it could take a while so don't delay, talk to a therapist/pyschologist, someone professional is best and get started on your full and complete recovery - I'm rooting for you. love F.W.z
I'm so sorry for what you went through . You must talk to some one about it trust me otherwise it will haunt you. if not your parents and close friend. good luck in the future and happy birthday in sep xx
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